Forget the bail-out
IN THE AFTERMATH OF A DEMANDING PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN FOR THE NATION, HERE IS SOME COMIC
/s/ LeRoy Collins, Jr........
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and
thus to govern yourselves and your failure to ensure that the Finance Industry is sound...
HRH Elizabeth II hereby gives notice of the revocation of your independence effective immediately. (You
should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress
and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.'? Generally, you
will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
Using the words 'like' and 'you know' in conversation more often than any other words in a sentence, is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.'
July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers
and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort
things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit
will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the
same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will
help you understand the British sense of humour.
The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling
potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be
referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also
acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part
of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all
can be sold without risk of further confusion.
Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English
actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience
akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave
enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a
rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is unreasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which you do
not allow teams outside of America to participate in. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error
is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
An Inland (not Internal) Revenue agent (i.e tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure
the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (not cookies)
and cakes; plus strawberries and cream.
God Save the Queen!
/s/ LeRoy Collins, Jr.